Joe Blow Tarot

This card represents your happy next-door neighbors who will loan you their lawnmower which may or may not contain some attached whips and chains and Richard Nixon masks. 

They are the embodiment of having fun within the bounds that you, rather than others, deem acceptable. This card calls us to examine where in our lives we can push the envelope and have some enjoyment that we’ve been otherwise hiding from.

The Waffle House Cook is just as likely to use her knife on a belligerent customer who doesn’t pay for their grits as she is on the two-buck-chuck that will accompany your delicious, buttery, heart-clogging eggs. Honey, she's seen everything at that Chattanooga countertop.

This card represents power, strength and confidence.

The Waffle House Cook doesn't take anyone's crap, and this card is a reminder that you shouldn't either.

“Yessir!”, says the Mystic of Myrtle Beach to damn near everything, the paragon of living presently and fully in one’s beingness. 

This card represents the person who knows how to enjoy a day off among friends, family, and a $14.99 seafood buffet washed down by a dozen shotgunned Bud Lights.

This card beckons you to stop, look around, and appreciate the beauty of your present moment, the people in it, and the opportunity for enjoyment it provides.

Open for business, says the pineapple in front of the house in the 55+ Florida or Arizona community. Possibly North Dakota as well for the reverse snowbirds. This card explores the notion that what was once unthinkable may yet be possible, should you be open to the exploration. 

The Retired Swingers are the manifestation of new possibilities after a long period of time tethered to one person, path or belief. And the affirmation that you are allowed to retire from that which no longer serves you, stepping into a new tomorrow of expansiveness and exploration and regular venerial testing.

Headbanging in the early 90s didn't lead to a date with urgent care, but those were the early 90s, when half the world looked like extras from a Wayne's World movie.

Now, even though the Arthritic Metalhead is well into his 50s and his preferred drink has evolved from a Jack and Coke to a Benefiber Margarita, the life force is still every bit as rockin'. 

This card explores the notion that we’re never too old to be truly alive, active and badass; even if we may require a walker and cortisone shot to get there.

"Checkmate, chump!", says the guy to himself while others at the park eat their sandwiches and look upon him with envy.

This is one of the most powerful cards in the deck, reminding you that your own company, and contentment within it, has always been the true key to the castle. 

The guy who beats himself at chess thoroughly enjoys this self-company and especially so when pigeons don’t use his chessboard as a toilet. 

We all know her...bless her heart. Conniving and scheming to destroy you like the Cersei Lannister of Marketing.

That Bitch at Work is a card that asks you to explore the unresolved conflicts in your life; who are your enemies past and present who are out to get you, and why? 

It is also asking you to dig into what role you may have had in creating the conflict, as the Bitch at Work will continue surfacing until the underlying wound is healed, self-responsibility is accepted, and/or she finally gets fired because HR's had it up to here with her antics.

This card indicates an escalation or reconciliation with this person may be close at hand depending on the path you choose. 

“You’ll LOVE this place! The previous owners never had ANY issues!“ he declares confidently, as he knows the roof is one good light rain away from caving in on your head during family bingo night. 

The Realtor who’s definitely on the level card is a warm compress that brings to the surface our own ethical shortcomings, the lies we tell, the boundaries we blur, and the stories we weave to get what we want.

This card also reminds us to get that damn mold inspection before signing on the dotted line. For real.

This card exists to disrupt your quiet reading time, virtual team meeting or good night’s sleep with thumping vibrations that can be felt and heard across state lines. The Obnoxious Bass Thumper card is asking you to examine where in your life you feel unseen and unheard, and what behaviors you may be undertaking in order to compensate. 

Are these behaviors productive or a nuisance?

It’s also asking you to get a new speaker system.

Once upon a time in Virginia, a Honda Civic driver took this Trooper on a fleeing joyride through five counties. Since that day, every Honda Civic driver has been ticketed for going 71 in a 70 in his jurisdiction while being concurrently threatened with lethal injection.

The Trooper who has it out for Honda Civic drivers card is a manifestation of a festering grudge that we're still holding onto, making us act a fool in the process. 

What do we refuse to release? And how does it show up?

 That itch on your arm? Absolutely stage 75 metastatic cancer with a side of malaria and tuberculosis. The Web MD enthusiast card brings us face to face with our mortality and fear of death.

How does this fear present itself in our decisions, our anxieties and our relationship to life itself? 

 The moment when you see a $29 room on a booking app, only to check out and find the trip will cost you the GDP of Costa Rica. The $50 Vegas Resort Fee card is our shadow of greed; one that implores us to ask - what do we hoard at the expense of others? 

The last of the chips and salsa, a few extra rolls of toilet paper during a pandemic or the estate left to us by gramps after he remembered he had four grandchildren instead of three? 

 How do you feel about your home? We certainly know how the HOA President feels when she gives you a list of 38 violations, including that blade of grass that grew .003 cm too high in April and a scratch on your garage door that happened ten minutes ago. 

The HOA President card indicates some judgement you hold about your own home life. The exterior, interior, or personal situation within it...and calls you to get that house in order. Lest she show up with 38 more violations next week.

Because she will.

Oh, she will.

 Snug in his mother’s basement, unkempt neck beard worn upon his proud face and nacho cheese slathered about, the Oracle of Reddit casts aspersions upon all those who know less about a topic that he presumes expertise upon. 

This card asks us to look at our own judgements about knowledge and how we cast them upon others. Do we look down on someone because they know less about a topic than we do, and if so, how does that show up? 

 It’s not enough to bring sexy back. You must bring it back for the neighbors to see when rolling this week’s garbage out onto the curb. The Guy who wears a suit to take out the trash card is a look at the premium we place on our physical appearance and the power we allow the judgments of others to have over our own self-worth. 

How much emphasis do we put on our appearance and that of others? Is every day a beauty pageant? And if so, why haven't we heard a canned speech about world peace yet?

 “Let me hear from my KINGS!”, shouts the manosphere podcaster, imploring his listeners to chime in with tales of betrayal and gym-fueled self-worth recovery that paint all women as an untrustworthy, hostile monolith. 

The Manosphere Podcaster card taps into the deep vein of generalizations we fall into when we declare that all men, all women, all tall people, all unreasonably tall, almost fictional people are all essentially the same; seeing the category instead of the person.  

And it's bashing us over the head to ask where we're doing it right now.

This crusader who’s going to change the world after he collects the door cash for Friday’s kegger sees the planet as a fundamentally hostile and unsafe place; one that needs to be controlled. 

The Revolutionary / Phi Kappa treasurer card indicates a discomfort with the world that mirrors the discomfort within, drawing a line between the two and examining how one directly leads to the other.

It also calls us to clean the vomit off the couch from pledge week.

 Many clubs have a signature cocktail, and “Ugh” with a splash of eye-roll is the house special at every club that features a single, lonely 40+ man standing at the edge of the railing, watching the dance floor, and hoping someone...anyone...will give him their attention.

It’s easy to cast a superior eye towards this character, seeing him as a pitiful figure and one worthy of scorn and disgust. Yet this card is an opportunity to put ourselves in the shoes of the down-on-their-luck character we mock and ask ourselves, “What brought them to this point?”, and “How would I react if I were in their situation?”

It’s an invitation to empathy and understanding; and to also keep a close eye on one’s drink...as even empathy has its limits. 

Get your popcorn out, kick back, pour a glass and enjoy the show. The Niece who blows up Thanksgiving card represents the surfacing of deep-seated feelings you have about your family, often played out by the one relative who no longer gives a damn about the repercussions of their behavior or brutal honesty while gorging on cranberry sauce and dry poultry. 

They are the honesty you’ve likely been repressing and an opportunity to examine where you’d like to speak your mind but have been holding back for one reason or another. 

 There he stands, 6'5 feet tall, strapping, great with kids and dogs, and embodying many other qualities that stand in direct contrast to either you or your current or future love interest. 

The Book Boyfriend card is a window into the expectations of perfection we place upon ourselves and others in relationships and the lack of self-love that flows from the pursuit of these impossible standards. 

It’s also a reminder to book that trip to Scotland before high season and all the castles are unavailable, forcing you to stay in a Best Western by the Loch instead. 

 Downward Dog and Ibuprofin are often used in the same sentence after the age of 30. And the Yoga teacher who lands you in traction card is a glimpse into your own level of physical health. 

If you need to walk, jog, stretch, lift, or truck-pull against Icelandic bodybuilders a bit more, this card is an invitation to take stock of what your body is telling you and how to best serve it moving forward. 

I mean, it seemed like a good idea at the time, right? Then came the request for child support checks and quality time with the kid and our friend disappeared into the deepest caverns of the Himalayas. Or more likely, his cousin’s couch in Akron. 

The Baby Daddy card is a representation of the people we attract into our lives and the decisions that brought them into our ecosystem. It implores us to own these decisions and integrate them into our story moving forward. What have we learned from these encounters about who we are and what we accept, attract and feel we’re worth?

Connection request accepted. Now the real fun begins. 

“I HAVE A GREAT NEW SERVICE I’D LIKE TO MERCILESSLY SHOVE DOWN YOUR THROAT. WHEN CAN YOU JUMP ON A 15-MINUTE CALL TO DISCUSS??”

The LinkedIn Maniac card is a look into myopia, where our needs and wants are front and center, and we foist them upon the world without reading the room. Does what we need and want also take into account the needs and wants of others? 

 Remember that kid? We all do. It’s hard to forget now that they’re signing your paycheck after enduring years of atomic wedgies and other assorted terrors. 

Yet the bullied dork who’s now your boss card holds within it the mirror of progress and transformation, showing where you’ve alchemized your own pain and torment into power and growth.  

The Bat Signal goes out to all Millennials and Gen Z and Gen Y superheroes in Gotham. Who can step up and save granny who needs to check her AOL inbox? After all, some Dell’s and HP’s just want to watch the world burn. But those who answer the call of this card answer another as well, that of their own relevance.

Do you feel a fear of becoming obselete? This card may indicate some concerns that the world is passing you by. If you no longer recognize the movies, music or tech around you, it's a sign that it's time to step into the modern world or at least have Netflix make a nostalgic show about a time when everything still made sense.

 It’s springtime! Summertime! No. It’s 48 degrees and cloudy. Nine months of winter wasn’t enough...it’s time for juuuust a little more. Why? Because **** you, that's why.

This card represents the disappointment we feel after anticipating something that doesn’t come to pass, and how we handle that moment when it arrives. What have you been looking forward to that’s let you down, and how have you been able to move forward? 

 If only they knew what you were actually thinking or really capable of beneath that veneer of that law-abiding citizen who wouldn’t do that truly monstrous thing that just crossed your mind. 

The Completely Unassuming Cannibal card is asking you to look your inner darkness in the eye with acceptance and recognize that you are every bit as capable of doing all the things you judge, and to grant yourself forgiveness for that recognition. Also, pass the salt.

The Death card of the Joe Blow Tarot deck; the Meeting with H.R. signifies that something in your life is about to come to an end, potentially with a severance package if you play your cards right and don't upset the apple cart.

This card asks you to embrace this major life change with strength and trust, knowing that what's waiting for you is better than what came before. Even as you're disengenuously thanked for your service and perp-walked out of the building.

You had your fun. And now the check has come due, usually in a way that's less than pleasant and may or may not involve burning, itching and a subsequent trip to the pharmacy.

The finding out you have the clap card could indicate a moment of accountability is on the horizon, where your decisions will catch up with you. But take heart, as this is an opportunity to clean the slate and move forward from a higher level of behavior and awareness and kombucha which will counteract the effects of the antibiotics on your system.

You knew you shouldn't have had that ice cream. And yet you did it anyway. Bon voyage, friend. It's been real.

The lactose intolerance card is a sign that we're consuming too many things that are unhealthy for our spirits; from depressing news channels to toxic gossip to inflammatory social media content. It's a warning sign to scale back on the things that leave us feeling worse for the wear. Except Rocky Road. Damn the torpedoes.

Eggplants are known to be fairly self-centered vegetables. This was covered in Leviticus and the Declaration of Independence. And this card shines a light on any over-the-top self-obsession we may be engulfed in right now.

Whether it's 20 selfies a day, excessive boasting or even the overindulgence of self-pity, the Eggplant Narcissism card is a call to check ourselves and our egos at the door and remember that the overall story is much, much bigger.

We knew it would eventually come to this, didn't we? 

The All-Inclusive Vacation card is a sign that your grip on reality may be slipping away, and everything you once considered normal is now simply a figment of your imagination. You may find yourself disoriented at times or untethered from things you once took for granted. 

On the plus side, you may get a roommate who thinks she's Medusa, so that would at least be fairly entertaining.

"So, my dad left my mom for the gardener...but at least she threw in a free mulching with every homewrecking."

The Absolutely hilarious trauma card, signified by the stand-up comedian who makes a living treading on the memories of her personal hell, is a flashing light that your own trauma is being unconsciously suppressed, and possibly worked out through unhealthy mechanisms like entertaining drunken boors for no money on a Wednesday.

Is your world falling apart around you, forcing you to pretend everything is actually perfectly fine as this flight attendant is doing on a flight that's clearly not going to make it?

The "Remain calm, this is totally normal" card is a representation of chaos in your life that calls you to be steady, hold your ground and maintain your composure through the experience. Even as the flames are lit all around and the nuns from "Airplane" are shaking the hell out of the passengers next to you. 

Does anyone even like kale smoothies? This is a serious question and we'll go to the ends of creation to find its answer.

Or, as the Kale Smoothie Mafia card suggests, is it something we simple go along with consuming because everyone else does, and claims we should too?

This card is an opportunity to take inventory of your life and what you do and think. Are these actions and thoughts yours, or things you engage in because others insist you should?

Do you have the confidence of a meteorologist? The one who will boldly look you in the eye and tell you Saturday will be beautiful for a picnic right before the sky opens up and fries you with a bolt of lightning?

This card is a chance to dig into that hidden confidence, step out from the fear of failure and proudly make your own declarations that are almost certainly going to fall flat on their face too. After all, they still have a job when they fail. And you'll be ok too.

Uh oh. There he is. Looking as menacing and Ancient Egyptian as always.

This MFer is a card that brings your ancestral/family trauma right to your face and reminds you that you're the one who came here to transmute and heal all the crapola they've accumulated since the beginning of time.

What's one small thing you can do today that your relatives wouldn't think to do in order to break the cycle? This MFer won't stop staring you down until you do it. No pressure.